How the begining of my story?
April 15, 2010 by
Filed under new york fine dining
After catching my boyfriend cheating on me I packed up my things and jump into my convertible and headed home.
In my rear-view mirror I could see New York City getting smaller and smaller. It is going to be a long drive home. But it will give me plenty of time to think.
I was a well known chef at a prestigious New York City hotel. My dream was to have my own catering company where I grew up. When I caught Marshall screwing his secretary I jumped at the chance to go back home and start my business.
I even enlisted my mothers help and to have her work with me. She was retired and my dad passed away a few years back. My mom was ecstatic to hear I was coming home for good.
Bethany Hills is a very small town. It is only 2.5 square miles. There is one fine dining restaurant, one pizza shop, and one gas station.There is also lake called Lake Key, there is a gazebo at one corner of it. It is really a picturesque place. Many families come and spend an afternoon feeding the ducks.
My best friend Summer will be so happy to see me. I decided I would surprise her. It has been about a year since we last saw each other, at her brothers wedding. We practically grew up together.
I really appreciate your input, and I am glad you didnt bash me 
i think you should slow down the pace. on’t rush into thing. gradually tell the story. good luck!
Hmmm…Not bad, but it’s a bit rushed. I can see potential..so good luck
answer mine?
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100402112927AAW1Klv&r=w
I don’t know if it’s in the past, present or God knows when!
Work on tenses because you swap between them mid-sentence and your story is really rushed.
I agree with the above. You need to try and explain it slowly, don’t be tempted to fall into the trap of rushing the first ten chapters and then revealing everything before the reader’s read page 9. Also, try not to detail some bits like “2.5 square miles” and keep other bits where the reader has to work it out, “There is one pizza shop”.
I agree with the first answer you should gradually tell the story. You seem to be umping the gun. Slow your pace down a bit and continue what you’re doing. Good luck
You really need to edit this piece as you seem to be writing it too quickly. In the first sentence it should be ‘jumped not jump.’ You write “my own catering company where I grew up” This sounds as though she grew up in a catering company so try using “in the town where I grew up.” Some of your sentences are too short and staccato like and need to be linked together. From “Bethany Hills” I counted three sentences that could easily be linked together into one. If sentences are too short they become lists of things so watch out for that. Never write numbers unless it is the year e.g. 1984.
A lot has happened in the few lines you have written but we do not know what the characters name is or what she looks like or how old she is. She can’t be too young if she is a well known chef. Print it off and read it out loud or get someone to read it to you and you will hear the things that need changing. Drop down a gear and give the reader a bit more information but keep writing because I like the beginning and it is a lot different to many that I have read. Good luck with your writing.
Watch your grammar a little better (e.g., jumped, instead of jump) and learn how to describe things in ways that will draw the reader in. Like someone else said, take some time to build the story up,
Most importantly, you also need to learn a quite a bit more about Life (e.g., hotels don’t usually have a “chef” so make it a restaurant, instead of a hotel; a town that small is not likely to have a need for a catering business (not called a “company”); the detail about a gazebo at a lake doesn’t fit with the pace of the rest of the narrative; 2.5 square miles is NOT a “small” town; small towns don’t usually have people who can afford to keep a “fine dining” establishment in business; New York could not be seen getting smaller and smaller in a rear-view mirror – it’s too big; by the time you could see it in a rear-view mirror you would be too far away to see it, if it hadn’t disappeared over the horizon as you drove, for example, the Palisades area of New Jersey or the rolling fields of Long Island, not to mention the mountains of Upstate New York.
You also really need some education on how to develop a story.
Seems rushed and not detailed. You need to work on grammar and such. I got bored and edited the crap out of it for you.
After catching my boyfriend cheating on me I was in shock, I quickly fled the situation and jumped into my convertible to head home. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about all of this, it had hit me so suddenly, and all I knew was that I needed to escape and home was always a safe choice. In my rear-view mirror I could see New York City getting smaller, as I rubbed the tears off my cheeks I realized this was going to be one of the longest drives home I had ever experienced as I would be thinking carefully on my next step of action.
I wasn’t one to employ too much self-pity, I was a well established chef at a prestigious New York hotel, I still had that, Marshall hadn’t stolen everything from me. With that thought I cringed and my heart felt like it was going to burst. No, he hadn’t stolen much from me, when I caught him cheating on me with that secretary; he had only broken my heart. I knew something was wrong, my brain had been screaming to me for weeks that something just wasn’t right with their relationship. I pushed the thoughts from my mind; I wanted to focus on what I would be doing now. As I paused for a moment, the street lights racing past me as I drove, I realized that this opened up new opportunities for me. I could start my own business, that catering company I had always dreamed of! As I came into this realization my brain began to go slower and I calmed down, everything was going to be fine, soon my heart would heal and all would be well.
When I had finally returned home and told my mother the details she had volunteered to help me with my work. Her empathy towards me as a mother had always been this way. She was probably just hoping to be around me to help me get through this tough time. Although I had shown no signs of crying or weakness when talking to her about it, a mother always knows. She knew I was still crushed from this humiliating betrayal, and she wanted to help me get through this, even if I hadn’t asked for help in that sense. She was also quite happy that I was coming home for what appeared to be a larger stint then the few days I would generally visit her here and there. My father had passed away a few years back and my mother had been retired, and missed my company. I am sure this venture is going to be good for the both of us.
The next morning I drove to the top of a small “mountain” – if you can even call it that – to look down on my home. Bethany Hills, I sighed as I read the run down sign that I could pick out, I remember driving by it as I pulled in late last night. It was all rusty, the paint peeling off of the cheap metal. This was quite the rural town, seeming to only be around 3 square miles, most likely smaller. I could pick out the one fine dining restaurant, the pizza shop and the one gas station. This was nothing compared to New York City, with all its amazing cuisine and famous chefs. I shock my head to remove the sadness that was creeping into my mind. No, I had to look at this as something good, this was good for me! Right? I looked around some more and the lake caught my eye, Lake Key, with the little gazebo on the water. Who had built that again? I giggled to myself; this really was a picturesque place, almost right off a postcard. I remembered all the afternoons spent at the Lake feeding the ducks with all the other local families, and Summer, my best friend. She still lived here; she would be my next visit. Hopefully it would be a good one, considering it had been over a year since I had seen her. Her brothers wedding and we hadn’t really left off on good terms. I sighed to myself, she had been right about Marshall, she was always right. Well, enough of that, no point on staying up here worrying about how she might react to seeing me. I may as well just go get it over with. As I got back into my convertible I smiled, this was the start of something great in my life, hopefully all went as planned.
you need to slow it down a lot, this whole thing could be stretched to an entire chapter if not more, instead of just listing facts, try slowing it down and building more character development and mention the things listed as you go along in the story. i dont mean to sound mean or anything, but i dont like sugar coating when people ask for an honest opinion, so ill just give it to you straight, its a good idea, but this sort of sounds like a third graders “what i did last summer” essay, “i live in ___, it is small. i want to be a firefighter when i grow up. i went to the beach. we played in the sand. it was really fun.”, that sort of thing. dont give up, but keep working in it.